God’s Perfect Knowledge of Man
For the Chief Musician. A Psalm of David.
139 O Lord, You have searched me and known me.
2 You know my sitting down and my rising up;
You understand my thought afar off.
3 You comprehend my path and my lying down,
And are acquainted with all my ways.
4 For there is not a word on my tongue,
But behold, O Lord, You know it altogether.
5 You have hedged me behind and before,
And laid Your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
It is high, I cannot attain it.
7 Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your presence?
8 If I ascend into heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there.
9 If I take the wings of the morning,
And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
10 Even there Your hand shall lead me,
And Your right hand shall hold me.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness shall fall[a] on me,”
Even the night shall be light about me;
12 Indeed, the darkness shall not hide from You,
But the night shines as the day;
The darkness and the light are both alike to You.
13 For You formed my inward parts;
You covered me in my mother’s womb.
14 I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;[b]
Marvelous are Your works,
And that my soul knows very well.
15 My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed.
And in Your book they all were written,
The days fashioned for me,
When as yet there were none of them.
17 How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
How great is the sum of them!
18 If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand;
When I awake, I am still with You.
19 Oh, that You would slay the wicked, O God!
Depart from me, therefore, you bloodthirsty men.
20 For they speak against You wickedly;
Your enemies take Your name in vain.[c]
21 Do I not hate them, O Lord, who hate You?
And do I not loathe those who rise up against You?
22 I hate them with perfect hatred;
I count them my enemies.
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Try me, and know my anxieties;
24 And see if there is any wicked way in me,
And lead me in the way everlasting.
NEW YEARS DAY FOR CRANBERRY KAY
New Years Day – 2017, supposed to be a Queen but I still feel like a teen
Going for three years since they destroyed all I’ve seen
Looking to Heaven – to Jesus in pain wondering why they’re so mean
My LORD He answers – takes me back to His Word – it’s because I am the cream
The cream of the crop – I am gorgeous among them – monsters who have no God
So because I am beautiful – chaste and godly – they go behind my back and plot
In debauchery they walk – proud of their evils – boastful yet hateful that like them I am not
So they whip my back with a cat of nine tails – hoping that God Almighty’s forgot
They hope that my God has forgotten me – that He’s left me to die in their hands
But unlike the human body that’s unreliable to stay healthy – Christ has got perfect plans
He knit me together in my mother’s womb – counting every place where my foot will land
And as I read Psalm 139 – I recognise that even my strife is going to produce something grand
The LORD said not to be distressed – that He has overcome the world
That they will rejoice when my pain is broad – but that the tables will be turned
On the day when they mourn – I will be walking tall – they will see that they rather fanned
Fanned the flame of my future – they dug their graves rather – they were at my station manned!
For we know that all things work together for the good of them who love the LORD
Called according to His purposes – like Joseph my slavery is rather what has me stored
Stored for a day when a king will be troubled – and I will be the only solution poured
To resolve a matter that will save an entire nation – and my slavery will be the thing that roared
Roared as these chains that keep me bound – will be the reason I’ll be around
When a plan of national importance will my kind of mind – a person sound
A spiritual gifting that I am being killed for – will one day be the only rainy cloud
In a time of drought when the arrogant doubt – but I will be the only solution they’ve found
My pain may be deep and like Joseph I weep – my own brethren sold me to masters
Now today I am chained – being the brightest of them all – I sit in rubble while my future stutters
Made to feel like an imbecile – a mentally handicapped child – wild animals are all over plastered
Looking at me like I aint jack – spoken to like a heart I lack – people who with my life have bartered
Traded freely as on the stock market – my own brethren have sold one of their own
Walking tall – feeling graceful- of the opinion that its okay being hateful – all despite what they stole
Could not care less that when you poke me I bleed – rather at my tears their eyes do roll
Shattered my career – my education – my future – then throw me in a mental ward to top it all
The LORD will not allow it – He will not let them finish me off – but in the run up I bleed
Can’t stay calm though I try – fear engulfs all my cries – but a tear in my eye I can’t even feed
In a lot of pain I struggle to be – but I cant even express my emotion because in it they read
They read depression – they read schizophrenia – they read bi-polar – any mental disease!!
Did you hear what I said? I said I can’t even cry despite being in a devastating pain
This because the smallest little emotional reaction from me inspires a case of strain
They accuse me of mental illness – I’m not even allowed to be a little sad despite being maimed
A sneeze, a cough – at it they scoff – the slightest movement is evidence that I’m insane
After being told in Jan I’m going to Sterkfontein – I spent a day crying – in the bedroom I remained
I was obviously shattered to be aware that my complete sanity was about to be framed!!
So I stayed in the bedroom – I slept all day – that oh LORD is now evidence I am insane
Not allowed even to react appropriately to any kind of emotional pain!!!!!!!
When a person fails at school – or they get a divorce – get fired from their jobs – don’t they get sad?
Does that sadness not produce isolation – withdrawal – crying because they feel so bad?
Would it be fair then LORD to conclude that because they stayed in bed – they must be mad?
No it wouldn’t – yet I have a person on my neck about my sadness – around it they planned!!
So mean – so heartless – but I should be stronger – because what is the point of crying?
When a person is unmoved by the tears in your eyes – your bleed is their multiplying
Not batting an eyelid at gruesome pain – so to lament or mourn before a hateful person dying
Is to waste breath and time – so I rather write – hoping with my poetry to prove I am not lying
Where oh LORD has anyone ever seen a schizophrenic writing poetry the way that I do?
Where oh Father has evidence been gathered of a psychotic woman in me – where’s the proof??
Absolutely NOWHERE – yet NO ONE will hear me – because the voice of a liar so broadly aloof
Is heard before mine – I can’t even murmur – not even signs of fear on my face become a roof!!
Not given a single opportunity to speak for myself – because like a deaf and dumb – I am not heard
Being 32 – yet I still get taken to hospitals with my hand held like a child that has not learned
Edgy in all I do – afraid of a door that opens – because I am afraid I will be forced to leave this world
To leave through death if I get tossed on the streets – tip toeing around their nails so curled
How Iong can I scream that I am abused – and have no one hear me Father – all my life!
When will this stop? I’m not even allowed to cry-can’t move-can’t shake-lest I shouldn’t survive!
Are Doctors not trained oh LORD to deal with cases of abuse? in discretion they should drive!
Yet I was thrown to a shark by a doctor – one I cried to. He rather in flames made me dive
I wonder then oh LORD how other abused people get helped on this terribly evil planet
Is this not the reason why people chose silence – it’s because authorities are abuser’s gadgets
A child molested by their Father – in the hands of a doctor like the one I saw is a shaken sachet
Ready to be dissolved by the lies of a manipulator who’ll plead the child’s insanity to bury the hatchet
Are Doctors not supposed to be trained on patterns of an abuser – on symptoms of the abused?
Do they not know that abusers tend to overpower the abused – with manipulation there amused?
That their victims are quiet – afraid to speak – lest their abuser should get alerted and fumed?
That discretion be applied – especially where the abused is trapped – protection ought be assumed
Yet despite being held at gun point – I was under duress – I was thrown into the hands of my abuser
I cried – I complained – I showed signs of fear – despite that the doctor ignored a few signs
My shaky voice – the continued mention of” I’ll do whatever just to not be thrown on the streets!”
Despite all that Father – He listened to a liar and put a nail in my coffin-after covering me in sheets!
Will you let me be institutionalised oh LORD? Put in a loony bin despite being completely sane?
Father you know that even if I escape this fate their anger will be broad – it will will never drain!
They will try and try and try and try until I die – or throw me on the streets if the doctors fail!!
So there is no escape Father – they want me to lie so that a doctor can gladly destroy my brain!
My heart is bleeding – yet I can’t show it – trapped in chains and unable to move
Even this poetry – for it I might get thrown out – but it’s my only cry to show the truth!!
I am not crazy – I am not lazy – my evidence is broad – I am clearly schooled
Yet without money – a job – a home – their strength is broadened and is their sheltering roof!!
What must I do oh LORD? They want to kill my brain
I can’t say that enough my innocence is plain!
Despite all that – I am sent to see disdain!!
Innocent as a dove – yet NO ONE HEALS MY PAIN!!
Help me Father I need You – the new Year has begun
While people are festive – On my temple is a GUN!!
I can’t even concentrate – when I sleep I dream to run
But when I awake I’m still in their bed – my pain is their main fun!
They treat me like an imbecile – a child with a mental disorder
A 32 woman with girth – I am treated like a disabled daughter
I watch all their laughter – unmoved by their murder – like a sheep I am being sent for the slaughter
Yet I am not allowed to cry over the doom that impends lest they should say we’ve caught her!
They call me a social recluse oh Father – despite mostly being the life of the party
I however cannot attend a party – where knives of betrayers are behind me
How can I immerse myself around them – when they whisper their lies about me
To sit with a people that call me crazy – patronising and laugh at me daily?
So is a person socially recluse when they avoid the company of enemies?
When they avoid the company of those who defame their name and are frenemies?
When they avoid a crowd of people who through their pain draw their energies?
I would rather say that that’s avoiding a toxic environment whose pretence would drain my energy
My life is hard to live oh LORD – but I pray you give me a tough heart to stay strong
To hold onto you – to trust I’ll be cool – to believe that 2017 will produce more powerful songs
To be long-suffering – to carry this cross – to be bold with the Gospel for periods long
To hold onto the Faith – that this is not my final fate – to trust that You’ll correct this wrong
I’m being killed because I am beautiful, godly, smart, strong and resolved
I do not fall into the wretched follies they’ve chosen – thus for my stand their murder’s solved
To live is Christ – but to die is gain – if martyrdom is my end – then to the end I’ll be bold
I however pray to live to see the end my pain – to see how through this fight You’ve made me gold!
Like Joseph I am in pain after being sold by my brethren – at MTN I met Potiphar’s wife
Accused me of attempted rape – and because I complained – they tried to take my life
Now that I am in prison – I have been put in charge of other prisoners and look for pipes
Pipes to escape – I look for a cupbearer and a baker – hoping that they’ll open eyes!!
I am praying that all those I have served with love and been kind to these past two years
Despite my chains will be like the cupbearer in Jospeh’s case – who will absolve my fears
Speak of my innocence-for they were blessed by my gifts-to a haughty person who’ll give me ears
A man or a woman who will relieve my fears and through my gifts will wipe my tears!!
I adore you in the Name of Jesus
Amen and Amen
Love Cranberry Kay